Halo (Xbox)

Sigh. If "The Silent Cartographer" is supposed to be a highlight of the game, then it really does need putting down. It was awful. More corridors that look the same. Areas of the map too dark to see in (and no, the flashlight doesn't really help). Wave after wave after wave of the same baddies again and again and again.

Tedious!

I thought things might have improved when I got to the next bit (which starts with more identical rooms and corridors), where you move out into the snowy open areas. You're given a Warthog! A Ghost! And a tank! And they're all crap, and progress is easier with just your rocket launcher.

Well, I will make a concession - flying the Ghost is a good idea, because if you don't one of your marine "chums" will fly it instead. And run you down in it. So that you die. Three times in a row. In the end, I blew it up before they got a chance to pilot it.

Please tell me it gets better. Please?

Geometry Wars Evolved 2 (360)

So, Something Witty thought he could claw back some of his rankings, did he? Of the six modes, he'd overtaken me on 3 by the time I got to play this morning. Naturally, I slew his so called "high scores" easily. And then distanced myself from him even further on those he failed to beat me on.

After that, to rub salt into his wounds, I spent a merry hour mopping up some of the achievements he hasn't got. I am best*.

* Technically, I am crap, as my scores pale into nothing compared to others on my list, but Witty's are the only ones that count. As I pointed out, the Premiership is rubbish these days - it's all about the Championship.

Geometry Wars Evolved 2 (360)

I predicted on Usenet that GWE2 was likely to only be half the game Geometry Wars: Galaxies on the Wii was. And, having bought it, I was pretty much right.

But that doesn't mean it's bad. Not in the slightest - it's still amazing. It only had 6 "levels" (or rather, modes of play), but they're more varied in rules than those in Galaxies.

This evening's play was supposed to be a quick go to see how it plays. An hour later, I'd unlocked all 6 modes, and, most importantly, whipped all of Something Witty's scores.

Super Smash Bros Brawl (Wii)

Oh yes, I played it. For a while. I can't get used to the remote-and-nunchuk controls (they don't feel right, and C to jump is all sorts of wrong) so I might have to try another method. The Sub-space Emissary single player mode is fun though.

However, there's a big huge giant problem: I can't save my game.

I have no space left on my Wii. I've deleted everything I don't want, copied everything I do want but don't need at the moment over to an SD card, and I'm still short of space to allow the gargantuan 128 block save file.

So thanks, Nintendo. I've just bought your game, but because YOU'RE STUPID, I can't play it properly.

Halo (Xbox)

And so it gets worse. The same corridors over and over and over and over again on the alien space ship. The way you go through essentially the same hanger 5 times. The fact everything is too dark to see. The annoying little baddies that sound like Ewoks. The way I had to complete almost the entire chapter with just one block of health. That chapter really was horrible.

But then it was onto The Silent Cartographer. I recall from various forums and newsgroups, several years ago, that this chapter was a highlight in the game. It certainly started well, with a beach landing and a big gunfight. However, then it was back into the Warthog and round and round the island I went trying to find a pathway further inland, only to discover it's behind a tree and you don't need (in fact, can't use) the Warthog at all.

And then wave after wave after wave of the same baddies over and over again, in the dark again. Tedious. Anyway, I've reached a building now. Lets hope it's the same rooms over and over!

Halo (Xbox)

I've played it before. And didn't like it. And I tried again on the PC. And didn't like it. I've always found it dull, dark, slow and boring.

So, having bought it at a car boot sale yesterday for the princely sum of £1.50, I thought I'd play it again. Not least because I got the sequel at the same time (for the same price), and I have a mostly unplayed Halo 3 for the 360 sat on a shelf. About time I played the trilogy, yes?

Or no. I just can't like it. As a FPS, Timesplitter 2 (and 3) and Half-Life (and HL2) kick it into a cocked hat. Its story is yawnsome - aliens attack your ship, you escape and crash land on alien planet, you have to find survivorzzzzzzz. Seen and done before. Before Halo originally came out, even.

And the Warthog is is rubbish. The controls are just ridiculous for it. Why you can't use a trigger button to accelerate, I don't know.

But I'm on the alien ship bit, and it's just wave after wave after wave of tedious fighting in dark warehouses and dark corridors and I'm really not enjoying it at all. At least I've gotten further than I've ever done previously. That's something, I suppose.

Ticket to Ride (360)

Three games on this this evening, and I won all three. Managed to gain the achievement for getting over 150 points in a single game, too.

3D Ultra Minigolf (360)

For some reason, ny wife decided we should play this today. It's sad to see how it has aged so much already, although some of it is probably due to how we've been playing Golf: Tee Off! a lot recently.

Anyway, we played the Explorer course, and I won, getting a score of -8 at the end of it.

Double D Dodgeball (Demo) (360)

I missed this out from my list earlier. And for good reason: it's crap.

Mario's Super Picross (Wii)

Just three more puzzles on Level 9 today. Um, that's it really.

Golf: Tee It Up! (360): COMPLETED!

Played this again for quite a while today. I've now managed to come first (and under par) on both courses - hence the "completed". The Scottish course, complete with Stone Henge, is by far the harder of the two. It seems to have much stronger winds, smaller patches of fairway, and larger (and more) trees.

On the other hand, the Caribbean course has lots of water. Which I ended up in for the first time playing my wife. I thought I'd take a shortcut on one of the holes, only to have my ball bounce off a tree and into the sea. Pff.

Too Human (Demo) (360)

Amazingly, this didn't turn out to be pants like I was expecting. OK, so it doesn't feel like a game that has been in development for, what, 40 years? And it isn't quite as hack-everything as the previews seemed to suggest. And there's a story (about technologically advanced Nordic Gods or something) too.

Rough edges include the lack of proper camera control, The Kameo Effect on far too many surfaces, and some minor animation problems, but I had fun for the almost-an-hour the demo ran for. Slightly concerned a minor boss was repeated already in that time, but I'll certainly look out for the full game.

When it's cheap, of course!

Assorted XBLA Demos (360)

Yes indeed - it is XBLA Demo Catchup time!

1942: Joint Strike
As I've said before, shooters aren't my thing really. However, I'm one for nostalgia and this is a great looking, and playing, remake of 1942. I'm tempted to get it, except I know I'll be crap at it. I was crap at the demo as it is.

Schizoid
It's like Geometry Wars, only two player, and with no shooting. And you control both players. And it's pretty good.

Go! Go! Break Steady!
Crap. It's one part Boom Boom Rocket, one part Zuma. Only it doesn't work and just appears confused. Rubbish!

Coffeetime Crosswords
Well, the first three clues I was given all had US "English" answers. So I deleted it.

Golf: Tee It Up!
Simple, normal (mostly) golf with standard press-A-thrice swinging and added limited aftertouch. It's nothing special, but it's perfectly playable. This was the only one of today's demos I actually bought - and then proceeded to play for most of the evening. Well worth a (get ready for it...) shot. Badum-tish.

Gauntlet (GBA)

The other half of Gauntlet and Rampart, obviously.

And, like Rampart, it's an excellent conversion even on a very small screen. I did get stuck on Level 14 though - I had a pocket full of keys (© The Rock) but had to pick up another to progress. But I couldn't. Thankfully, the old hang-around-for-a-few-minutes trick worked and the walls all turned to exits.

Rampart (GBA)

Another of the Play Asia package today. This one is actually one half of the "Gauntlet and Rampart" double game cartridge (which, at the time of typing, you can get for a bargainous £5 from here).

And? It is, as it always was, ace. I remember I was on holiday with a friend one summer and we walked three miles to the nearest arcade just to play this. It loses a little with just one player, but still plays fantastically (even on a Game Boy Micro's screen!). I managed to win five "levels", before being unable to finish the sixth.

Sonic the Hedgehog Genesis (GBA)

This arrived in the post today, along with some other stuff, from Play Asia. And, since ugvm Retro Week has been extended into this week, it was ideal for playing!

Or so I thought. It turns out that in the process of simply porting the original Megadrive Sonic game to the GBA, Sega couldn't help but rape my childhood memories by making it worse than those shoddy "fan-made" Flash-based Sonic games. It has more issues than a journal library. Par example:

1) You only get to see around 60% of the screen. The edges have been trimmed to fit the GBA. Not a huge issue if you know the layout of the levels off by heart (like me), but it means far too many leaps-of-faith and running-off-the-edge-of-things otherwise.

2) Horrific slowdown. Even when the screen isn't busy, the game will slow down for seemingly no reason.

3) Inconsistent scroll speeds. Scrolling up and down is twice as quick as left and right. Or perhaps it's just Sonic moves twice as quick when jumping? Either way, he doesn't control like Sonic any more.

4) Things don't draw in. You know the edges of the platforms in Green Hill that crumble when you stand on them? Sometimes they're not there. But you can stand on them, and they crumble under you, but you can only see them as they crumble. The swinging platform on Green Hill Act 2 vanished while I was standing on it too.

5) Things simply aren't there. You know the baddie in the air when you fly up into all those rings after the tunnel bit on Green Hill Act 1? The one you generally rebound off and aim back left to get more of the rings? Gone. Not just "not drawn in" - he's gone.

6) The sound effects are broken. Some of them simply aren't there. Others sound out of tune. Some sound completely wrong.

7) The music is awful. It's like some 12 year old has "rerecorded" the original tracks using a dodgy midi sequencer.

8) The special stages are impossible. They run three times faster than the rest of the game. And no, it isn't just 50 vs 60Hz issues - they're WAY faster. And there's the smaller viewport to contend with too.

Basically: Fuck off, Sega.

Yoshi's Story (Wii): COMPLETED!

N64 on Wii, of course. Even though I have it on the N64 too. Tch.

But I completed it for the first time ever! I know it isn't a hard game, and the main point is to use it as a sort of Score Attack thing, but still. It really was very good too. And I finished up with three non-dead Yoshis!

Mario's Super Picross (Wii)

I haven't played this in ages! I think I was a little put off last time as I thought I'd finally completed all the levels, only to find I's opened up a million more.

Completed the rest of Level 8, and three puzzles in Level 9.

Super Retro Weekend Special!

With it being Retro Week (now extended to Retro Fortnight) on ugvm, and with a guy coming up in a few weeks to interview me about old game systems, I rummaged through the loft this weekend for some old kit.

Standout games were:

Virus (Speccy)
It's a bit bloody hard, yes?

Qix (Atari 400)
Excellent, even if the Qix (that's the multi-line baddie in the middle, yes?) seemed to move at random rather than bounce off things.

River Raid (Atari 400)
Pretty good, although difficult to control.

Munchkin (Videopac)
It's Pac-man, only with just 8 normal and 4 special dots on the screen. And they move. And the maze is different. But not bad, actually.

Space Monster (Videopac)
Space Invaders, only the bottom row of invaders act as shields, the mothership replacement swoops down (like in Phoenix) and when you get shot you're still alive, only have to use a base as your new ship.

Renegade (Master System)
I only bought this recently. It's rubbish.

Shanghai (Master System)
Like all good Shanghai games, it's a good Shanghai game. It has the standard tile layout, and doesn't mess with the rules.

Hang-On (Master System)
Built-in on the console I tried (I have about 5 Master Systems). I'd never realised previously how this is just the same game as World Grand Prix, only with three gears not two, bikes instead of cars, and no track editor. Even the sound effects are identical.

Simon the Sorcerer (Wii)

Yeah, on the Wii. Via SCUMMVM.

Sadly, after an hour's play, I saved my game only to have SCUMMVM crash on me. I'd barely done anything in the game, aside from wander round, but still - if the save routines aren't going to work, I don't think there's much point playing. Shame.

Ice Climber and Pinbot (NES)

It's Retro Week on ugvm! But, it would appear that I'm out almost every night this week. Thank the lord for a spare hour today, and my OneStation.

In case you've forgotten, the OneStation is a portable Famiclone, not much larger than a Game Boy Micro.

Anyway - the games. First up was Pinbot. I was impressed that the ball physics were much better than I was expecting. Most 8-bit pinball titles are pretty poor in this regard, but Pinbot felt reasonably realistic. It was still very hard though, and no single game on it lasted more than about 3 minutes.

Then it was time for Ice Climber. I remember, back in 1992-ish, Ice Climber was the second game I ever played on the NES. The first was Golf. Anyway, I was hooked then, and always wanted a NES afterwards. It's still great, and much easier than last time I played. I made it up to Mountain 9, before finding it impossible to progress as there was a wall I couldn't jump over. Tch.

Castlevania: The Dracula X Chronicles (PSP)

Next week on ugvm is Retro Week, and so I was hoping to play this a bit then. Only... I can't.

For two reasons. Firstly, in order to not break the rules of the week, I would have to play either the original Rondo of Blood (rather than the 2.5D remake that makes up the main title in this collection), or Symphony of the Night. Both of which have to be unlocked in the main game.

Secondly, the main game is too bloody hard. The first two stages are easy. Very easy. But then once I'd rescued Maria it all became far too hard far too quickly. The men with spears are difficult when in pairs (one on a level with you, one spearing from above), and the Medusa heads, as always, are a right pain in the backside. But then I came across a gold skeleton and I just can't bump him off. I'm not even sure I'm doing him any damage. Grr!

Patapon (PSP)

After many, many more attempts, I finally managed to save Meden. I'd tried every combination of Patapon armies to do it, but in the end my standard Tate/Yari/Yumi setup was enough.

Then it was off to fight a harder version of the crab boss I killed earlier, who dropped the ability to create Megapons. I haven't made any yet, though. I did, however, come up against some (sort of) in the next mission - where I had to kill off Gong once and for all. He had a huge army of Zigatons behind him, and took a few attempts to defeat. Once I did, I gained his scythe!

After that, it would appear that the Zigatons all sold their souls to demons, and the next mission required me to take out a tank, an evil Zigaton-demon called Spiderton, and a huge... thing. That was pretty easy though.

What was not easy, however, was the giant castle made of plants and eyes that I had to defeat on the next mission. I'm still trying to figure out the best combination of Patapons to take into battle...

Patapon (PSP)

With the power of my new stew, and deciding to run away then fight rather than just storm forwards, I completed the mission I was stuck on (where you have to beat Gong to a caged Patapon, then defeat Gong himself).

After that, I opened up a new hunting ground, where I found a black star (although it didn't appear to do anything), and then repeated the level so it gave me a new cap - reviving a blacksmith Patapon! Not that I can do the minigame he provides, as it's clearly impossible.

Also impossible is the next mission - to rescue Meden from the Zigotons. I've tried it ten times, first not realising fire weapons actually kill Meden, then realising that you need the rain miracle or you fry, and finally just not being able to destroy the cart she's in before the level ends. Grr!

Song Summoner (iPod)

Created a few more characters this morning (no mages still, though), but actually spent time playing the missions. I've just found the back entrance to Full House's tower, and had a fight there. I've also played and completed the Easy run of the Rehearsal Room.

I levelled up my monk too - he's now Silver instead of Bronze, and is amazingly powerful!

Song Summoner (iPod)

Oh. Em. Eff. Gee.

It's Final Fantasy Tactics. Only for the iPod. And just £4. Absolute BARGAIN. Well, it's almost a Final Fantasy Tactics game. There's less depth, you can't change jobs, and there's very little levelling up, but in essence, it's almost there.

So far, I've played it for an hour and done just one mission. The mission took about 5 minutes to win. The other 55 minutes of play was going through my song collection and generating characters from the tracks on my iPod. Yes - really. That's how you build your party up - with actual music from your mp3 library. Different tracks produce different classes of character, with different skills and different stats. It's like the Barcode Battler!

Unfortunately, I can't seem to generate any mages. Perhaps I need some opera or thrash metal or speed garage or something.

Patapon (PSP)

I was pretty much stuck in this last time I played, since I was unable to progress or beef up my Patapons However, I managed to retrieve the gardener Patapon's hat on a hunting mission today, meaning I could acquire vegetables, which in turn allowed me to make stew!

Perhaps I will now fair better!

No More Heroes (Wii)

After defeating the girl yesterday, I was ranked 8th in the game. I didn't get as far as fighting for Rank 7 today, however, as I stupidly spent all my money on a new beam katana, some training, and a video.

Which meant I had to do a load of side missions and jobs to make enough money. And litter picking is tedious.

No More Heroes (Wii)

With Zack and Wiki completed, it was on to the other Wii game I bought recently. Or one of them, at least. Today, I completed a few jobs (mainly lawnmowing) to make some more money, giving me enough cash to pay for the next fight.

Which was set in a school. After beating up a load of thugs, I had to defeat a schoolgirl with a samurai sword. I'm sort of enjoying the game, but I'm not really sure if it's going to hold me to the end. It's very repetitive, and somewhat easy. So far at least.

Zack and Wiki (Wii): COMPLETED!

It took over an hour to finish off the boss, as I had several failures, but eventually he was defeated. There were then four (or five?) "Game Over" sequences, including two more after it declared "Fin", and then it was finally over. Now there are some extra challenges to complete, but I haven't a clue how to go about accessing them. The books on the bookshelf are mostly empty still too.

Total play time: 12 hours 27 minutes.

Zack and Wiki (Wii)

ONE HOUR AND FOURTY FIVE MINUTES.

That's how long it took me to complete Barbaros' Land. In fact, aside from a quick fail of the final "boss", that's all I did on the game today. I'm up to around 11-12 hours in total, but it doesn't feel that long. The time just vanishes while I play.

Anyway, since I'm on the last bit of the game (I think), I'd best start asking for a sequel. Mind you, only seven people bought the original so that probably isn't going to happen, sadly.

Zack and Wiki (Wii)

Getting close the end now, I'm sure of it. I've completed all the open levels, rebuilt Barbaros, and killed a giant squid. Now it's off to Treasure Island itself! Woo!

Pop (Wii)

Advanced mode make me am cry from my arm. The idea is to hit the maximum score possible as quickly as you can. Sadly, for me, that too almost an hour an a half. Hence the arm pain.

However, I did manage to rank 58th in the world!

Pop (Wii)

The guy responsible for this WiiWare title posts over at rllmuk, as do I, and so I thought it nice to give him a bit of support. Not least because I managed to get 1000 Wii points to buy it with from Nintendo Stars. If you've no idea what any of that means, tough.

After an hour of moving and removing stuff I actually wanted to keep, my Wii had enough space to let me download Pop! And then I played it.

It's good, in a non-game sort of way. You burst bubbles. I seem to be missing some gameplay aspect, as that's all there is to it. It's kind of thereputic, and certainly fun, but like Electroplankton and bubble wrap, there's no actual game.

Assault Heroes (360): COMPLETED!

I was going through my list of downloaded content, re-licencing stuff to my new 360, when I realised I'd bought this but barely played it. I'd not even managed the spider boss at the end of the first stage.

So I gave it another go, and, if you've read the title of this post already you'll already know, I completed it. It wasn't actually that hard, so I'm not really sure how I managed to fail so badly on previous attempts. The only time I actually lost all my lives was actually on the section after the end of game boss! Luckily, you can continue from there, and so I soon finished it off.

Netted quite a few achievements in the process too. Aces!

Assorted XBLA Demos (360)

I tried some more demos today, all of XBLA games I'd downloaded over the last few weeks.

Battlezone
Looks amazing, but the demo is only five seconds long. So I'm not buying it as there's no way that gives any sort of representation of actual game.

Wits and Wagers
A quiz game where your answer is largely irrelevant? And only 700 questions? I say no to you, sir.

Rocky and Bullwinkle
It's Wario Ware, only in Rocky and Bullwinkle costumes. It was OK, but very rough around the edges. The drawn-for-the-game art of Rocky and Bullwinkle is awful, especially when compared to the clips of the cartoon. Also, since we're not from the US, we don't care about Rocky and Bullwinkle anyway.

Ticket to Ride (360)

Just two games of this today, against my wife.

She won both. I'm sure she cheated.

Assorted Xbox 360 Demos (360)

Caught up on a few of these today. Thoughts as follows!

Don King's Prizefighter
I didn't like Fight Night 3. It was overrated, and not nearly as impressive as everyone (EA especially, unsurprisingly) suggested. But this... is worse. The best thing was the FIFA-esque nonsensical commentary. Par examplé: "Calzaghe goes for the face again!" as I (Calzaghe) completely fail to grasp the controls and am being pummelled without getting a single hit in. "Calzaghe delivers a devastating right hook!" as I block my chest only to get a left fist to my nose. Amaze!

Top Spin 3
They've changed the controls and now I can't play it. Next!

Soul Calibur (XBLA)
It's great, of course, but I'm hoping the full version isn't this easy. Aside from getting my health bar down to half on the first round of the first fight (as I worked out what button did what), I managed to perfect everyone. I'm sure the DC version wasn't like this.

Zack and Wiki (Wii)

Just one level today - the Airship one (called "Operation Takeback", or something). It wasn't especially hard, but I had to restart several times, meaning it took ages. I kept missing things, making later bits of the solution impossible.

But MAP GET! Aces.